The Lowly and The Proud

Hi.

I hope you are well.

This blog is becoming a bit of a challenge.  To me, at least.  Reading my ramblings has long been a problem for others, no doubt. 

Seems I've come to a fork in the road.  I can either continue to entertain and relieve myself through my writing and share it with a few choice, loyal friends or I can ramble less, watch my language and omit certain personal identifiers ... and thereby possibly reach more people.

We'll see.

One dear friend (who has written more blogs and books than anyone can recall) thought it would be great if more people would make comments here.  Sorry.  I didn't care about comments then and I don't now.  I mean, it's OK if you wanna comment.  But don't do it for me.

One thing is certain.  Life is getting harder.  Not worse, just harder.  I have withdrawn more.  Work is tough.  Money is tight.  One of my daughters told me a couple of months ago I'd never see her or my cherished granddaughter again and she means it.  That hurts.  Can't afford to date and don't see any viable ladies who would enjoy a day of fun and paucity with a pudgy pundit.

But life goes on.  And we must as well.

As I find safe people, I will reconnect.  When people prove themselves to be untrustworthy, I will withdraw.  You should too.

At the very least (he said after 1,000 words) my blogs will be shorter and perhaps more frequent.  At least that's the plan.

Thanks.

***

People of TGLE

I work for the galaxy's largest employer (TGLE); which, for the sake of anonymity, will go unnamed.  (Clever, huh?)

The Internet pokes fun at folks who shop there.  And I laugh.

Shoppers treat workers at TGLE as inferior beings.  And I resent it.

Pride is based upon comparison.  If people feel superior to others -- after comparing themselves to them -- the seed of pride comes to life.  Over time, pride grows roots and blossoms into ugly, infectious weeds.

God is opposed to the proud.

**

Allow me to tell you of a few of my co-workers at TGLE.

One kind lady works a cash register.  She seems distracted at times.  She makes errors and doesn't go fast enough to please people in a hurry.  Her husband recently abandoned her and her two kids.  Wanna know how much she makes?  Or what her options are?  Nope.  All people wanna do is glare at her and treat her rudely because they had to wait an extra [insert meager number here] of seconds or minutes before they go back to a world totally different than hers.

One guy works in the tire department.  What kind of loser has a job like that, right?  Can't even work as a grease monkey changing fan belts, right?  Why speak to a person like that with respect, when "we" are obviously superior.  Except he has two degrees and is about to become a high school teacher.  In his spare time, he *does* repair cars -- at a price others at TGLE can afford.  He also does body work.  And electrical work.  And is a craftsman with wood.  And he is humble.  And I admire him.  A lot.

One lady who runs a cash register is studying to be a doctor.  She's WAY too smart for that, imho.  Brilliant, really.  She could do anything, but she only wants to be a doctor.  Oughta be easy for her.  Even if there's a long line of impatient people waiting to go through her line.

**

One old friend was married to a nurse. 

If she worked a night shift on a holiday that also happened to fall on a Sunday, she made more per hour than Bill Gates does in a day.  (Almost.)

They divorced.  He wound up working overnights at TGLE. 

One night he was hungry.  Stole a candy bar.  Got busted.  Lost his job.  Went to [insert the correct term for the jail/prison/penitentiary here] because he could no longer pay his rich wife the child support he could not earn that she didn't need. 

Met him at church before/after this debacle.  Yeah, he was a Christian.  A real one, imho.  My daughter and I went to visit him in [jail?].  He was a good man. 

Now, he's a good man with a record.  The kind of person you probably aren't.  The kind of person you probably think you will never be. 

Fools believe they will never arrive at such a destination. 
Impossible, right?

Tell you what.  Find someone who has a prison ministry.  Ask him/her about the soccer moms who were on their cell phones when they ran a red light and took somebody out ... and ended up in prison.

Or the rambunctious teens who thought it was funny to spray graffiti on a statue ... and learned they committed a felony ... and they face prison ... where their bodies and souls will be abused.  For years.

Sorry, but I can't tell you of the sweet lady I worked with for many years who decided it was worth the risk to steal money from our employer.  And went to prison.

But, I digress.

**

TGLE hires those who need work and who are willing to work to earn a paycheck.  Some of us are handicapped in various ways that make us less valuable to other employers.  We know that.

One TGLE lady I know was hired a couple of years ago even though she seemed terrified of everyone and everything around her.  Saw her last week.  She smiled and said hello.  I thought that was cool.  Huge step.  But her shyness is trampled upon by proud people who wonder if she's just stupid.  She isn't.  They are.

I won't tell you about TGLE women whose husbands are in jail for doing stupid stuff.  Wrong stuff.  Even bad stuff.  The ladies work to feed the kids.  How happy would YOU be to take their place?

When I arrived at TGLE three years ago, one of the guys said, "I wonder what happened to him?"  How about: "divorce, lost a job and a career, and my income dropped by 90% in a year."

We don't need anyone's pity. 
We don't crave approval. 
We're just trying to make the best of hard lives.

That's all.

Do us a favor, OK?
Don't make it worse.

Especially when you come in from church on a Sunday afternoon and speak to us as if we were godless heathens who'd rather work than worship God, as you have.

Some of us have to work. 
So you can shop.

sheeeeesh


Hope you can't tell I'm bitter.

***

Tell you what.  The next time you strut around TGLE looking down upon the lowly ask yourself how YOU would do ... if your perfect little world crashed ... and you ended up there.

Then, ask God to not let it befall you. 
As it could.
As it does to others who are just as good as you, believe it or not.

And smile upon the lowly. 
And say a kind word. 
And abandon your appalling pride before you leave our world to reenter yours.

Please.

But if you can't, it's OK.

It is better to be of a humble spirit with the lowly,
than to divide the spoil with the proud.

***

Yeah, I know.  I'm bitter.

But at least this blog is short and I didn't cuss.

:-)


Robt

Responding in Ways We'd Never Act

Hi.

Hope you are well.

Seriously.


***

Mr. Nice

Listened to my local radio station the other day.  Heard a guy speak contemptuously to a lady who was a guest on his radio program.  In my opinion, anyway.

Mr. Nice is a prominent Christian.  I don't doubt his faith or sincerity at all.  He's married to a woman even nicer than he is.  She's a world changer, whom I admire.

*
Mr. Nice isn't much of a broadcaster, but he has his own radio show.
In contrast, I am quite a broadcaster, but I do not have my own show.
Go figure.

But that's not the point.

God exalts whom He chooses.  None of my business.
Write me off as a jealous moron, if you'd like.
*

It's my professional and/or arrogant opinion that people on the radio should have the slightest/most remote/even *misunderstood* awareness that the point of them being on the air is ... to have something worth listening to.

"It's about the listener, stupid," to paraphrase a political proverb.


A couple of days a week, Mr. Nice shares his program with a lady he calls "The Loyal Opposition."  TLO is an attorney schooled at Harvard/Yale. 
Bright lady.  Sassy.  Unafraid.  Confident.  Admirable.

Never met her.  But she has the kind of brass [preferred synonym omitted to appease religious readers] that comes from being able to get away with feisty crap.  By that I mean, she must be attractive.

TLO has been (accurately) labeled "liberal" by Mr. Nice; therefore, personally responsible for gangs, drug abuse, the national debt, the rise of both Osama and Obama, layoffs, illegal immigrants and psoriasis.

TLO takes more abuse from callers than you can imagine.  (And if you can imagine how people dump on her, you might be one of the callers.)

**

Mr. Nice -- in my opinion -- takes the liberty to speak to TLO with contempt because he believes his words do not constitute an offensive action.  Instead, his tirades are a reasonable response to the evil he pins on her and other liberals.

Do you see the difference?

If Mr. & Mrs. Nice were having dinner in a quiet restaurant with Mr. & Mrs. TLO and Mr. Nice accused Mrs. TLO of advocating [insert sordid sins here] and [insert wacko political ideology here] and [insert actions that will destroy America here], Mr. & Mrs. TLO would either leave or violence would ensue.

Because you cannot speak to people that way.

Not even when you clothe it as
a Christian response to evil
the way Republicans should straighten out Democrats
the inherent right that radio hosts have to diss others
and so on,
in my opinion.

So, they took phone calls that day.
Yup, I called.  Yup, they put me on the air.
Told Mr. Nice -- a guy I know personally -- I thought he bullied TLO.

Short conversation.

I'm probably not making my point as passionately as I'd like to.
Lemme try this...

Ladies, gentlemen, Christians and mature adults
go on insulting rants

when

the ranters feel it's a justified, reasonable response
to hurts unreasonably inflicted on them
by [insert flavor of sordid individual or group here].


And there's not a whit of guilt
because they feel they were provoked
and therefore not responsible
for what they hurl back
because it's less than what they unjustly received in the first place.

And, as long as people believe they return less [whatever] than what they believe they've unfairly received, ANY vitriol, any insult, any action can be dismissed as a reasonable response.

**

The Worship Leader

Have a friend I admire. 
Even more handsome than I pretend to believe that I am.
Dedicated Christian.  Amazing talents with video, audio and other gizmos.
Beeyooootiful wife who's even nicer than he is.  He treats her well.
He'd treat you well too.

Cause that's who he is ... and how he is ... and what he does.

If you go to a certain megachurch or large religious events in the region, you've heard him play his guitar and sing and lead worship. 
Sincerely.  Worthily.  Humbly.  Amazingly.


Read a few of his Twitter tweets.
Seemingly from the heart of a different man.

TWL would *never* walk up to anyone and say the things he writes in response to those who hurt, insult or offend him (especially regarding political or social issues).

TWL would *never* trash his opponents while leading worship.
He simply would not act that way.

But he *reacts* that way ... when he believes the response is warranted.

In my opinion, such responses -- while almost impossible to prevent -- are as wrong as the actions themselves are perceived to be.

OK.  Almost.
Feel better?

**

There's a Proverb

"Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
lest you also be like him.
Answer a fool as his folly deserves,
lest he be wise in his own eyes."

That's in Proverbs chapter [wherever] verse [I forget].

**

I slung that Proverb at TWL in a private e-mail ... pal to pal.

He kindly told me that I had no idea of all the rotten, ugly, libelous things [liberals, heathens and assorted bandits] had said to him.  He felt his response was nowhere near as bad as their actions.

And he was right.

Told him God -- in my opinion -- doesn't give a rip how others treat us
as compared to how we treat them in response.

(Sorry, that's what I believe.)

I believe God wants us to be gracious to our enemies
to not return evil for evil
or insult for insult
but to give a blessing instead.

Do you know *why* I believe that?

Because the Bible tells me so.

End of discussion.  Beginning of reconciliation.
Hopefully.  Rarely.


It is my belief that TWL is not going to be used by God to lead unbelievers to Himself unless those people are of the same political persuasion as TWL.

I hope I'm wrong because that leaves out most of the people in the world.


My prayer for my friend TWL is that his enemies would be so intrigued by TWL's loving, unearthly response to their hatefulness that they would want to know of the source of his illogical, irrational, turn-the-other-cheek response.

And I'll toss in a prayer for myself that I'd be like that too.
Someday.
Him first, hopefully.

***

Here's what I am NOT saying:

I am not saying Mr. Nice or TWL ought to be more like me.
I am not saying I'm better than they are.
I am not trying to insult them.
I am not saying I am worthy to judge/condemn them.
I am sharing my open and honest reflections on life.
(Or maybe I feel it's OK for me to respond unkindly to perceived offenses?)

**

Here's what I am trying to say:

These guys are some of the best people you will ever meet.  And if *they* excuse themselves and justify ungodly responses, our society and the practice of Christianity will surely suffer for it.

***

How Low Can You Go?

So many nice people flip the switch from lover and spouse to ex and enemy.

Partners who vow to God, family and friends
to love, cherish, honor and forgive until death
turn on one another as if it were planned from their first date ...
even though they intended to live happily ever after.

And it's not just marriages.

Two christian psychiatrists used to have a national radio program together.  Honest insiders only whisper about how they stopped talking to one another.

Founders of famous ministries are overthrown with such regularity it's not even news.  And speaking of the news, there's a religious wacko who has a radio empire purported to be worth $100 million.  He says the world is going to end next Saturday.  He's a crazy person.  An honest-to-God, sincere wacko -- who used to be a revered leader of the flock.

Things change.

*
Tried to help A Pretty Friend (she'd be peeved [whew, almost wrote "pissed"] I told you she's pretty -- sheeeeeesh) get a job a few days ago.  Went to speak with the man who will make the decision.  Told him I think APF would be a great choice.  She's earned a break -- went back to school; got decent grades; not asking for a handout, etc.

Told the prospective boss that I worked at a place for over a decade where a lady in charge of a bunch of money went to jail -- for years and years and years -- for embezzlement.  Told him I didn't think APF was a crook (but no one ever knows in advance) and that he should hire her.  Hope he does.
*

A Hideous Truth

Studies have been done ...

*
that's what tricksters say when they want to make a bogus point
so *we* should always ask
What studies?  Where?  When?  By whom?
so that we won't be fooled.
*

So...
Studies have been done that prove regular, honest, above-average, nice people can do the most awful things to other people ... when they believe they should.

That's what happens in divorces.  One spouse labels the other as [insert horrific label here] who doesn't deserve [insert human kindness here] anymore because s/he [insert dastardly deed here.]

And we all go, "Oh yeah!!! You're right!  You HAVE to treat them that way!"

And wrong becomes right.
And vengeance is ours, not the Lord's.

**

What I Am Not Saying

You should send your kids off with someone who will abuse them.
Or other stuff like that ... OK?

**

Again, there was this study.
Actually a couple of them
where regular, normal people
were told they had to obey orders
no matter what.

The volunteers were ordered to send electrical shocks to real-live people who did irrelevant stuff ... like giving wrong answers to questions.

The more questions that people got wrong ... the higher the voltage of the shock the volunteers were ordered to inflict in response.

Now.  You think nobody actually DID this right?
You saying, "Aw, hale, ain't nobody gonna shock nobody juss fer gittin no answers wrong."  (Or some variation thereof.)

Take another guess, bucko.

Volunteers gave painful electrical shocks to SCREAMING victims with such consistency that the study had to be curtailed.

I know.  You don't believe me.  Right?

**

Click this link: http://uk.reuters.com/article/2008/12/19/us-torture-study-idUKTRE4BI0VQ20081219

Here's part of what it says:

"[scientist] found that, after hearing an actor cry out in pain at 150 volts, 82.5 percent of participants continued administering shocks, most to the maximum 450 volts.

The experiment surprised psychologists and no one has tried to replicate it because of the distress suffered by many of the volunteers who believed they were shocking another person.

"When you hear the man scream and say, 'let me out, I can't stand it,' that is the point when the real stress that people criticized [scientist] for kicked in," [somebody] said.

"It was a very, very, very stressful experience for many of the participants. That is the reason no one can ethically replicate the experiment today."

**

OK.  The screamers were actors.  They weren't in pain. 
But the volunteers who CHOSE to deliver the supposed shocks didn't know that.  And they did it anyway.

Because wrong became right.  And right became wrong.
For reasonable people who would NEVER do such things.
Ever.

Just as formerly married people do to one another
until death do they part.

**

Where the Twain Shall Meet

It is my opinion, as ugly as it is

that Nice People
and Worship Leaders
and Christian Leaders
and Lovers and Friends
and Republicans and Liberals
and neighbors
and relatives
and bloggers

allow themselves to commit ungodly responses
they believe are justified
and even correct and worthy

when it's a lie

and contrary to their nice guy/political/familial/religious beliefs.

**

The Bottom Line

Examine your actions.
Examine your reactions.
Examine mine.

Do we respond in ways that we would never act?

Do we fear how far we can go to inflict pain on others
when we believe
they deserve it?

We should.
We all should.

**

Clarification

Am I saying murderers should not be brought to justice?
No, but that should be done by societies, not individuals.

Should criminals be punished?
Yes, by societies, legally.

Must we willingly subject ourselves to abuse?
No.  Societies (and God) protect the weak.

Do I take my own revenge?
No.

**

The Response

Seek peace.
Do not return evil for evil or insult for insult.
Give a blessing instead.

Do not take your own revenge.
God will work it all out.

Seek all the protection for yourself and others that society provides.


Here's the hard part: God loves your enemies.

Even the one/s you are/were married to
or used to work with
or the ones whose opinions/actions you find repugnant.

How will you choose to respond to them?
How will you choose not to respond to them?

Kids and Online Dating

Hi.

Hope you're well.

Seems like when I'm bursting to write something to you, I'm at work.  But, life is imperfect.  So, I'll make the best of the time I have tonight and I'll share a few recent thoughts with you.


Kids

Kids are great.

Even the ones who hate you and say you'll never see them again ... or their children.  They're your kids, y'know?

Makes me wonder how people who don't have kids ever really understand how much God loves them. 

Kids can crush you or make you obnoxiously proud; often in the same day.

Kids are worth the trouble.  Kids can be forgiven -- even if they don't ask.

Kids cannot become "unkids."  Even if you disown them, reject them, abandon them or show them zero love/affection/appreciation.

Your kids are your kids.  That's that.

As it is with being an imperfect child of God, through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

**

Kids in the Neighborhood

Came home from church on Sunday and a bunch of kids -- who had set up a lemonade and cookie stand -- absolutely went nuts when they saw me enter our shared cul-de-sac.

They ran toward my car with nothing less than angelic trust that they were as safe in the road where I was driving as they'd be in their mother's arms.

HUGE smiles.  Elation.  Giggledom at its finest.

Thought I'd play with them.
Put on my grouchiest face and gruffed with all my might, "Hey, you little monsters!  Get away from my car!"

They went -- instantly -- from elation to uber-glee. 

They. Loved. It.

Made me drive to their "store." 

[Somewhere there's a writer who could not only capture, but *relate* the fun/joy/playfulness we shared.  Alas, it's not me.]

Three little kids.  All shouting over one another ... BEGGING me to buy a cookie or cup of lemonade or ... whatever.

Played the Grinch again.

I reached into my car's ashtray and shoveled out a handful of change.  Showed it to them.  Their little eyes glistened and sparkled from my stash.  You'd'a thought it was a million bucks.

Told them I'd never spend money on a cookie.
That threw them into a frenzy.

Asked them what kind it was. 
Chocolate chip.

Asked them how they could prove it wasn't a poisoned cookie.
Had them each take a bite out of it for me.
They chomped it down with theatrical, histrionic, exaggerated movements.

Told them the cookie probably wasn't poison.
And played some more with them.

About why I should pay for a cookie *they* ate.

[You probably don't even get this, do you?  One of the happiest moments of my month.  Minutes that will inspire me to smile for years.  Kids are great.]

Told them to come to my car window.
Bang!  They were there.  Aglow.  Joyful. 
Kids in their giddy glory.
Had them all put their hands together.

Unloaded all my change into their tiny palms.
Overflowing.
Like their hearts and smiles.

Best money I've ever spent.  (Except for what I've spent on other kids.)

Gruffed at them to leave me alone, because I'm a grumpy old man.
You could've powered a small country from their energy.
Every time I said I was just a grumpy old man they howled more.
Larry the Cable Guy should have such an audience.

They hopped and leaped and laughed their way back to their money table, glorying in their loot.

With me watching in my rear-view mirror, as I made my way to my childless home.

Thankful for a few coins to cheer my heart so richly.
Ooops.  I mean "their hearts."

**

Went by them again on the bike an hour later.
They didn't know it was me, until I said,
"Hey, you little monsters!  Get out of my way!"

Where do kids get the energy to hop so high and laugh so hard?

Told them I'd give them a couple of dollar bills, if they'd let me go without bothering me or making buy another cookie.

What.
Fun.

All for a good cause.  A book fair at their school.

They've long since forgotten our game.

I do believe it will stay with me forever.

Several friends are going on a seven-day cruise tomorrow.
Doubt they'll have as much fun.

*

The Little Boy at Dollar General

I'd spent the day on The Bike.  Zipping and wiggling through my beloved hills.

Had a major case of helmet hair and probably smelled like I'd been zipped up inside a leather jacket in the sun all day.

Stopped at Dollar General to get some milk.  $30 later, I'm in line.  Moms and kids everywhere.

Cute little guy in line in front of me.  A "Leave It to Beaver" kid.  Respectful, but friendly.

The lady behind the counter looks at his mom and says, "He's so cute."

The kid hugged his mom's leg and looked all shy.
I caught his eye. 
Looked right at him and said,
"Back off, kid.  She meant me."

Thankfully, they all pretended that I meant it as a joke.

Kids are great.

*

Vanishing Tears

Little girl came rolling into where I work today.  Think she was with her mom and grandmother.  Kid was crying.

Not bratty tears.  Or bumped-something tears.  Or "just got whupped upside the head" tears.  Not scared tears.  Not fearful tears.  Not angry tears.  Not sorrowful tears.

Just sad-kid tears.

Strode right up to her and said, "I'm a grampa!  Are you OK?"

She looked at me.  Big eyes.  Stopped crying.
Shook her head WAY up and down a few times.

I said, "You sure?  Cause I'm a grampa!  I can help."

Should'a seen that kid smile.

Pointed at me to her family ... and made her way back to joy.

Kids are great.

*

Star

Asked my little girl (who's expecting her second child) what I could get her for Mother's Day.

She just wanted me to help her with gas money to make the 125-mile trip to have Mexican with me.

Kids are great.

Have all you can.
Enjoy everybody else's too.

And never stop praying for the day you'll be reconciled to the ones who say they'll never reconcile with you.

***

Online Dating

Still haven't unofficially dropped my unpaid profile on Match.com.

Haven't made any connections.
Certainly haven't met any women.
Obviously, haven't had any dates.

Still, I find it fascinating.
Especially the user names people choose.

Crummy ones, like:
gasassy -- Sassy from GA or intestinal issues?
grim## -- Seriously?  You want to identify yourself with the word "grim"?

I won't mock all the others.
Except for "PickMe!" -- the neediest of the herd.
OK.  Maybe I'll mention "puppet."

I dunno.

Not hard to guess why I'm so single.

I have no intention of taking anyone to a remote beach to stroll in the midnight moonlight.
None.

Talk about a perfect place to get mugged.

EVERY woman wants that in her dream man.

That's why all these women are single, too. 
They want a dream man.

Just *once* I'd like to read where a woman wants an average guy -- like her average friends are married to.  Like the men who previously weren't good enough ... who would be now.

Ladies, ask your married friends how many times they've strolled beaches in the moonlight with their husbands.

OK.  You're right.
Maybe more marriages would endure if husbands would.
Maybe not.

**
Full Disclosure:
I have walked beaches at night in Hawaii with two of my wives.
It ain't a deal maker.
**

I've learned to appreciate the depth of meaning in the phrase:

"I'll tell you later"

when it refers to body type; whether they're a smoker; how much money they make; how often they drink; their religion; their occupation or lack thereof; and, how many kids they have.

The pictures are amazing too.

Seems like every woman posts at LEAST one picture of herself with a former man's hand on her shoulder, like the face of a mink staring at you from one of those old barbaric shawls women used to wear.

Sometimes a portion of an arm remains.
Or a stray ear that couldn't be edited out without skronking the poster's hairdo.

It's weird.
Not wrong.
Just weird.

And how some of these decades-old pictures have been preserved in order to falsely portray the poster's puss.  You have GOT to be kidding.

What are they gonna do if they actually MEET somebody?
Wear a bag over their head until some poor sap falls in love with them?

The "stories" read the same:

"I long to be with my soul-mate.  To share my days with him.  To get away for long weekends -- just the two of us.  I love fine dining and romantic bed-and-breakfast hotels in quaint places.  I want to go to the theatre or maybe to dinner and a movie.  I want to dress up or go dancing until dawn..."

Sorry, lady.
So do your married friends.

Sheesh!

Do you actually think *anybody* can afford that crap?

Read a romance novel.
Then settle for a real man.
Not Fabio in the flesh.

In my humble opinion, it's better to marry Flabby-o than to hold onto unrealistic expectations for the rest of your lonely life.

sheesh

Loved the line from one sincere lady:
"I am loving, giving and caring.  And I expect the same."

That's not love.  That's a contract.


Here's the deal.

I won't make you bait my hooks or take fish off the line or gut and clean them for dinner ... if you won't make me spend hours in some gift shop from hell where the junk sells for prices only Neiman-Marcus could demand.

If you don't make me "ooohh" and "aaahhh" over every damn teacup or painted thimble in every crowded shop in Helen, I won't make you help me change the oil in my motorcycle or grease my chain after you get your nails done.

Want a real ad for Match.com?

Imperfect guy seeks imperfect woman.  Wrinkles OK.  Imperfect body OK.  OK if you're not rich or as horny as you were when you were 35. 

Would prefer if you can read and write, but a hug after a hard day is preferred. 

You don't need to be a master of a martial art, but would appreciate being defended in life's battles.  You don't have to solve all my problems, but I'd love to be with someone who solves more problems than they point out.  You don't have to be a great cook, but would love someone who'd enjoy a plateful of hamburger helper or canned ravioli by candlelight -- prepared by "her man." 

I know you'd like presents on special occasions, or *not* on special occasions, but it'd be cool if you'd settle for the best I can do ... and not compare my meager offerings with what someone in your past (who probably dumped you) would've given you (before they left). 

I don't care if you wear last year's clothes; that's better to me than having to toss them out to impress strangers with designer outfits.  Can you sparkle at Waffle House?  Can you drink water from a stream?  Can you hold me tight on The Bike on a twisty road?  Can you pee in the woods?  Can you split a plate of food or share a fork without having to spray your tongue with Lysol afterward?

Would you like to be held as we watch TV or a movie?  Will you fuss at me if I hold a door for you?  Will you be angry if I say "Yes" when you ask if your butt is too big -- moments after telling me how important honesty is to a relationship? 

Will you drive me to the doctor when I'm old?  Will you let me pray for you before you have surgery?  Will you allow me to believe you are beautiful when you're aged?  Is an honest, caring man enough?  Even if you don't ever have to wash sand out of your drawers?

**

God help me.  I'm willing to invite a lady to join me in life. 
And I'm almost willing to join her in hers.

Probably have too many strikes against me.
But I've paid my penance.
I've learned a lot from years of aloneness.

I can live alone.
Do it all the time.

But two are better then one.

Even when one is just me.