Neil Young, Teresa Pakiz and Ranch Dressing

Hi.

"Fourteen years ago today …"

That’s how I figured I’d start this blog about my marriage to Teresa Pakiz.

Changed my mind.

Lemme start again, OK?

Ready?

Here goes:

Surfed the McPaper today and read an article about Neil Young’s latest project.  Was struck by this quote from Neil: “"There's nothing to hide at this point, there's nothing to gain by keeping secrets….”

[Note to the people who just had heart palpitations, thinking I’m about to blow their secrets:  Relax.  And send money.  Lots.  Soon.]

That whole secret thing has been on my mind today, but I’d probably morph the word into “shameful secrets.”

You have them.  You know it.

If you’re not ashamed of anything you’ve ever done – and I know people who fit into that category – you are hereby declared psychotic.  Please move along.  This is not the blog you’re looking for.

For all the good that shame does, especially in turning people to repentance, shame is not always healthy. 

Ask anyone who’s been intimidated into an abortion or who has had a family member go on a shooting spree.  They’re not the guilty ones … but they can be overwhelmed by guilt and shame nevertheless.

As Joey the Wise says, “Most of our wounds are self-inflicted.”  (Can I get an “amen”?)  But not always. 

There’s a politician in my area who’s in deep feces because he loaned (hello?) millions of dollars to his son-in-law, who then went broke (hello?  a *second* time) and left the politician responsible for millions of dollars worth of business debt. 

Yes, there is a Proverb that says “Everyone who goes surety will surely suffer for it,” but my point is lots of good people get hurt when someone they depend on goes to the Dark Side.  Ask your divorced friends.

***

Back on this date in 1996, I married a lovely lady.  Teresa Pakiz, a beautiful woman from Minneessoottaa.  Had a fun wedding.  Outside.  The reception was BBQ and Bug Juice.  (Yup, printed that way on the invitation.)  More fun times followed.

No one knows what they’re in for when they get married.  Allow me to be gracious and just say “it didn’t work out.”

[Listening to the tune Winter Solstice by The Tea Party on Pandora.]

***

150 Days

How long it takes to build a house.

The shelf life of Land ’o Lakes shredded cheese.

How long Noah’s ark was adrift.

The time it takes to grow a fingernail from the cuticle.

The shelf life of beer, if kept in a cool, dry, dark place.

The time it takes a moose to grow a full rack of antlers.

How long it takes to foreclose on a house in Idaho.

The time it takes breeding trumpeter swans to build a nest and lay four eggs.

The shelf life of chocolate cupcakes.

The time it takes for a cotton seed to make bolls.

How long my marriage to Teresa Pakiz endured.

The shelf life of unopened ranch dressing.

What’s the shelf life of Twinkies?  Twenty-six days.

What’s the shelf life of pain?  I’ll let you know.

But facing pain, shame, guilt, broken dreams, unfulfilled expectations, bitterness and secrets is the path to health.

This blog has everything to do with me disarming unwarranted shame. 

(Don’t believe me?  Ask God.)

I regret the unfortunate demise of my union with Miss Pakiz, more than a decade ago.  The longer you know me the more you’ll hear me say, “Big mistakes take teamwork.”  I contributed more than my share to our team.

Our team lost.

Big time.

***

That was then.  This is now.

I no longer care if you know that a woman I deeply loved left me after 150 days.

Someday, if I stumble upon the secrets that you protect, I’ll tell you: “I understand.  Do what you can to heal the past.  Then, move on.  And I’ll love you, no matter what.”

***

Today

There’s something I’m tremendously proud of:  I am a Sutherland.  Coincidentally, I bear the same name as the Sixth Earl of Sutherland.

One cool aspect of my heritage is our clan motto: “sans peur,” French for “without fear.”

I reject the fear and shame that haunted me for years about my failed marriage to Teresa.  To hell with it.

***

I hope that this vent will enable you to deal with unpleasant wounds – self-inflicted or not – in your past.

Also, I hope this vent will help enable me to deal with the future, as I seek God’s strength to live up to my primary heritage as a child of God.

Blessings.

The Bishop and The Accusors

Hi.

Don’t wanna make a huge deal about my thoughts here.

Just my opinions.  Trying to keep history and hurts out of it altogether.

Watched “Bishop” Eddie Long on TV yesterday.  Only because Channel 2 in Atlanta carried his sermon as part of its Sunday morning newscast.

Long has been publicly accused in lawsuits by four men (so far) of using his position of authority to abuse them sexually.  (My definition.)

As a newshound, I have read much of the men’s accounts.

As a former professional christian, I read their accusations with the same fear/zeal that racecar (yes, I know … it’s spelled the same forwards and backwards) fans feel when they attend races hoping to witness death-defying, horrendous car wrecks.

I have lost track of the men I used to admire who have succumbed to sexual sin.

One former co-worker in christian radio had a sex-change operation.

One former co-worker in christian radio fathered a child, with his young cousin.

I visited a church in Clermont, GA during the Christmas season years ago.  A young girl’s happy little musical hair bow was inadvertently activated during the service.  The pastor just glared at her – as if her head were spinning in some kind of Tourette-like spasm – until the gizmo chimed its inspirational tune.  Creep.  Wasn’t many months later that the pastor ran off with another’s man wife.  (Yes, from his church.)

A book on guarding our hearts and ordering our steps gave me much to ponder years ago, as I tried to dedicate my hours and days to serving God.  Yes, the author was screwing around with his secretary.  Nice guy.  Met him several times.  Corresponded.  Too bad.  Some things cannot be unscrewed; secretaries especially.

A guy I used to work for told me he had years of experience in christian radio but he refused – adamantly – to tell me where.  He finally said he worked for Bob George, who was caught “ministering to prostitutes” with a bit too much vigor, if you catch my drift.

I enjoyed Mike Trout’s company – both before and after he fell while co-hosting Dr. Dobson’s Focus on the Family.  Nice guy.  Screwed up.  Finally regretted it.  At a private dinner one evening, Mike asked me to pray that he wouldn’t make the same mistake with his second wife, a nice lady.  Oh, the fourth person at the table with us was my third wife, a nice lady.

You know of other celebrated occasions when pastors have gone to The Dark Side, no doubt.  If not, I dare you to google the words “pastor arrested.”  Do it sitting down.

But I digress ….

I’d like you to try an experiment.

Select one person (friend, foe or stranger). 

Walk up to him/her and say [choose one]:

1)   You lied!

2)  You stole my [insert item here]!

3)  You cheated at [insert game/exam here]!

4)  I know you want to [insert sin here] but I’m not going to let you!

5)  How dare do try that with my [insert relation here], you [insert insult here]!

Listen to what happens next.

My guess is they’ll either laugh, get fighting mad or both.  You can be sure they won’t consult a lawyer and get back to you later in the week.

It won’t be long before you’ll be insulted.  Quickly after that, you’ll probably hear The Accused angrily deny the spurious charges.  Vehemently. 

Violently.

Try it.  See for yourself.

Then, read a transcript of what BEL said during his church service.

Made himself out to be the victim.  Said he wasn’t perfect.  Gave a tremendous sermon on how to handle adversity (honest).  One of the best messages on the topic I’ve ever heard (honest).

There are two types of people who make great speakers: con men and mostly honest people with “a gift of gab,” as a friendly old Brit used to say.  Messages must be evaluated on content, not delivery.

This is America.  In fact, BEL is innocent until proven guilty.  And he doesn’t have to prove his innocence to me personally.  In that sense, I am not his judge.

All I know is when people are wrongly accused, they deny the charges. 

Clearly. 

Quickly.

Angrily. 

Passionately.

BEL didn’t even come close to that during his TV appearance – one dedicated to the express purpose of addressing the charges.

BEL portrayed himself to be David against Goliath.  (Interesting identity to choose to defend yourself on sex charges: an adulterer and murderer.)

Anyway.

After reading the testimony of several witnesses, and hearing The Accused not deny the charges, I formed and expressed my opinion that he probably did something along the lines of what he’s accused of doing.

My judgement might be wrong.  (Maybe, but I doubt it.)

But guilt isn’t determined by public opinion or multitudes of accusers.  (Can you say, “Jesus”?)

To insist, however, that it’s wrong to develop an opinion based on the express testimony of the accused and the accusers – as compared to hearsay and rumor – is ridiculous.  That’s the basis of Judeo-Christian jurisprudence.

“Loyalty and truth preserve the king,” said Solomon; not mere loyalty.

Loyalty alone kept Hitler in power.

Loyalty alone propagates and abets pedophiles disguised as priests.

Much loyalty was displayed as/after BEL spoke his shallow undenial.

Sorry, but I’m not impressed.  I’ve seen lots of good people duped by remaining too loyal to outlaws and bandits of one ilk or another.

I will pay attention to the evidence presented by BEL and his accusers, with regret for the train-wrecked lives involved.  Resolution is not always pretty.   But this (situation?) must be resolved.

What will happen?

The Bible says, “The truth will set you free.”

Or send you to jail.  (I said that.)

Chris Fabry's Blog from 9-25-2010

Hi.

Thought I'd share Chris Fabry's blog with you.

Chris Fabry's blog

Wanted to ask you to pray for him and his family.

And to let you read a contribution I made to his blog.

Blessings,


Robear

Why?

Hi.

Saw a friend as I was leaving a restaurant.  JW's one of the managers of a local radio station and a great on-air professional.

There's another guy on his station who has a talk-show.  Nice man.  Means well.  Wonderful wife.  New at radio.  Trying hard.  Not especially gifted.

Mentioned to my friend how the talk-show guy (TSG) is struggling, imho.

I have a lot of opinions on most things, but I spent many years on-air and managing stations too -- especially in trying to develop talent -- and I wanted to offer some positive suggestions.

Nothing I had not already said personally and politely to TSG. 

JW is a humble guy.  Sweet as can be.  You'd like him.  Pretty soon he was writing on a napkin some of the stuff I was saying about TSG.

That gave me two quick thoughts.  1)  I should have charged him for my consultation.  2)  I hoped my suggestions were worthy of remembrance.

When all was said and done, JW thanked me (as I said, he's humble) and told me he'd share some of my thoughts with TSG -- but he'd keep my opinions anonymous.

Told JW that I'd already spoken with TSG and that he didn't have to protect my identity.

Then I said something that wasn't true.

Told JW I strive to be open and honest.  Said I always expect to be quoted and that I didn't mind him sharing my thoughts with TSG or mentioning my name.

It's not that I lied or was trying to be deceptive ... just that what I said isn't true.

For years I've written blogs that I tried to keep private.  I only shared them with a few dozen friends ... and everyone on the Internet.  But I kept my postings free from easily pegging my identity.

Never wrote lies.  Never tried to harm anyone.  Never tried to cause trouble.  But I presented my fervent opinions on lots of topics and about lots of people.  (Some of whom are scurvy, venomous dogs, btw.)

Anyway, that got me to thinking about being more open and honest with what I write and who I share it with.

***

Probably a month ago, a friend in radio asked if I'd write a couple of postings for his public blog.  CF and I have collaborated on a bunch of nifty projects -- the most fun and fascinating gigs *ever.* 

CF is a true friend and a man I admire.  He's a charter member of my Great Guy and Great Man Hall of Fame.

Anyway.  CF asked me to write on the topic of (ready?) prayer.

hahahahaha

I figured the only subjects I could do worse on would be Successful Investing, Humility: And How I Attained It or How to Have a Happy Wife.

CF was serious.  He wanted me to be (ready?) open and honest.

So, I popped him a couple blogs.  He posted one on Sunday, September 19th.

I was open and honest.  And nowhere near as reverent as his usual guests, no doubt.  But that was the deal.  He wanted me to write from my heart.  In public.

Amazing.

Brave man.

Told him I hoped he didn't get too much flak.  And that I'd understand if he asked me to defend myself, instead of him wasting much time doing so.

Told him I'd take responsibility for my words.

He posted my thoughts.  Even gave me attribution.  AND he called me his friend.

God bless him.

Another impetus to write less-than-anonymously. 

Hence this new blog: Openness and Honesty.

My guess is it'll be a tad more tame than its predecessors, but that's not a bad thing.  Right?

All part of maturity.  Being responsible.

I am going to start that new process.  Right after I ever-so-graciously flame a cosmic creep on September 28th.

Stay tuned.


Robear

Openness & Honesty -- A New Beginning

Hi.


Decided to create a new blog; one that would allow me to continue sharing my snarky opinions and eccentric observations, while creating a new level of accountability for myself.


I'm too old to skulk around the Internet anonymously.


So, I offer you Openness and Honesty.


From my perspective, at least.


:~)