Hi.
First, some background on this topic.
I am looking for work. Updating my resume, sending out letters and e-mails; pimping and primping myself with much pluck, if not aplomb.
As I envision interviews, my many faults come to mind and I wonder how said interviews might transpire.
My mind, inevitably, wanders. I imagine how George Washington or Abraham Lincoln or Bob Dylan would do in a modern interview. And I wonder how a few Bible characters would do.
**
I intend for my remarks to make a point (whatever it might be) and I shall attempt to make said point/s using humor, as I perceive it.
Humor is a funny thing. A man I knew repeated a joke so often it became funny, overused, boring and then funny again.
He wasn't being any more cruel than usual when he offered up one of the world's worst pick-up lines: "You don't sweat much, for a fat girl."
I cannot tell you how many times I laughed/didn't laugh at that line. Many, over the years. But it didn't strike me funny when he would say it around our secretary who was ... less than lithe ... like me.
I don't say this to diss anyone, but to admit that what I am going to write [not that I have much of a clue at this moment what that will be] might be offensive to a reader or a hundred. I don't know.
All I can say is I intend no insult or offense. And I say that knowing full-well that my very existence causes insult and/or offense to both strangers and family members alike.
Ergo, what have I to lose?
[insert smiley face of your choice here]
***
Joseph
So, you say your name is "Joseph"?
OK. And ... let's see ... you're applying for the position of ...
yes, here it is.
Ruler of Egypt.
Uh, I'm looking at your resume here, and I don't see much in the way of experience running large portions of civilization, Joseph.
Now, I don't want to just brush you off ... heaven knows we could do a lot worse than SOME people who run nations ... but ... well, a couple of things worry me.
Like this part ... where it says your family threw you in a pit? Does that mean you don't get along well with others?
I mean, let's be honest. You must have done *something* to deserve that, wouldn't you agree?
And our background check said something about your *nice* brother who rescued you from that pit ... and, wait while I find it ...
Yes. He took you out of the pit and SOLD you into slavery?
And that's your closest brother? Wasn't he afraid of facing your mother?
Oh, I see. You didn't have the same mother?
But what about the other brothers? Uh, huh. Oh, I see. Yes ...
Wait! Your father had HOW MANY wives?
[scribble, scribble]
OK. Let's get back to your resume.
I don't see a recommendation from your last employer ... a Mr. Potipher, I believe?
Excuse me? He sent you to prison? Really? PRISON?
[scribble, scribble]
Now, you don't have to tell me ... but ...
What? Did you say for NOT having sex with his wife?
Joseph. Really. I mean ... do you expect me to believe ...
Oh, sure!!! You had to refuse a beautiful woman's sexual advances?
Uh, huh. I see. The wife of a wealthy, powerful man wanted ... you?
Seriously?
[scribble, scribble]
OK. Let's try to move on, shall we?
So, you were in prison for how long?
Wow. That's a long time.
And you ... pardon me? God blessed you? In prison?
Well, let's just hope he doesn't bless ME like that! hahahaha
humphhh ... sorry ...
Now, what did you do before your brothers threw you in that pit?
Pardon me, but ... you didn't say you were "a shepherd" did you?
Mister ... I mean, Joseph. Really!
I'm not sure who put you up to this ridiculous stunt! But if you think *anyone* would make you the ruler of a small caravan ... let alone the ruler of Egypt!!!
[scribble, scribble]
SECURITY!!!
***
Jesus O. Nazareth
Yes, Mister Nazareth, come in! Come in! I've been waiting to meet you!
I understand you're looking for work in medicine, is that right, Mister Nazareth?
Sorry? Just "Jesus" -- is that what you said?
Oh, now I understand. Jesus OF Nazareth, not "Jesus O. Nazareth."
hahaha
My mistake! Please forgive me!
What's that? Did you say "Later"?
Now then. Where were we? Oh, yes. I've looked over your credentials and I just have ... well, a few questions. That's all.
For example, there doesn't seem to be much information about you from ... well, let's see ... I guess from when you were 12 ... to ... just about the last year or so!
hahahaha
What have you been doing, Mister Naz ... I mean, Jesus ... hahaha
Any schooling?
Excellent! How were your grades?
So, you learned a lot from your father, but you don't exactly have a degree?
Is that it? Sort of home schooled? That's becoming very popular, you know.
Did you pass your courses?
What's that??? You never failed?
That's what we're looking for, sir! Very well done!
[scribble, scribble]
Now, what about work experience? Tell me what you've been up to recently!
You, what? Did you say "gave sight to the blind"?
And you raised WHAT from the dead?
Seriously, Jesus! This isn't funny at all.
If you're not looking for work, just tell me ... but, I must say ... this is a most unusual interview!
You say ... you have witnesses?
Of COURSE you do!!! Of course you do.
[scribble, scribble]
Let me finish the interview first. Then, we'll talk about your friends.
OK. A few medical questions we have to get out of the way.
Have you been hospitalized in the past six months ...
and are you on any medication?
Do you hear voices? Any delusions of grandeur? That sort of thing?
You do?
[scribble, scribble]
You say you are ... God? Did I hear that right?
[scribble, scribble]
And you've come to seek and save the lost? Before you return ... *where*?
[scribble, scribble]
Jesus ... let me be honest with you. I just don't have the right position for you right now.
Maybe if you go back to school.
Get a job or two under your belt.
And, maybe -- no offense -- get a new tunic or two ... and some sandals that aren't so tattered ... MAYBE I might be able to place you somewhere where you could work your way up the ladder.
With a little hard work, you might make something of yourself.
Someday.
But I can't make any promises, you understand.
That sort of thing isn't up to me.
But I must tell you ... you really should speak to someone about these ideas you have.
I mean, you seem nice.
But, Savior of mankind?
Really?
Shouldn't we just leave that sort of thing to the president?
***
Judas
Please sit down, Mister Judas. Yes, that's fine: "Judas."
I must say you have a most excellent resume!
You're employed ... and ... let's see ... yes, you are an experienced accountant.
Well respected, too, it appears. Yes, well respected, indeed.
I don't personally know the men who have recommended you, but I must say I am impressed by their references. Leaders in the military, politics and church ... who speak so well of you!
Well done, sir. Well done!
I understand that you are among the closest advisors to a ... let's see ... his name doesn't appear here. No matter!
You strike me as the dependable sort!
You've earned the respect of the most respectable men in our region!
You've earned the trust of so many by your faithful handling of your organization's funds.
You dress well and, I must say, this -- shall I say "present?" -- you've given me proves how generous you are. Thank you, so much. You shouldn't have.
Now, then.
I see changes coming. Big changes!
And you're the kind of man who can make things happen!
A powerful man ... with powerful friends!
A man of vision!
The kind of man that any government or business would want on its team!
Tell you what?!!
Give me some time to mention you to a couple of people.
You know ... the "right" people.
Then, let me get back to you in a fortnight.
Like you, I have connections.
Quite a network, if I do say so myself.
I know people who could use a man like you ... to change the world!
Yes, Judas, change the world! Forever!
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